Former New York Giant Plaxico Burress continues to demonstrate why he's advanced to midget status. Sounding like a smarmy parody from "The Onion," the headline blurted last week:
"Plax hires Prison Consultant."
There are so many things wrong with that sentence when looked at through the prism of a New York football fan just two Super Bowls back when the only G-men interested in Plax's moves were his teammates.
Since then, the former wide receiver has elevated himself from dunce to duncer by (I am not making this up non-sports fans) shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Mr. Burress was packing when he went clubbing last year and the handgun went off.
He now finds himself suiting up in prison orange togs and following in the footsteps of Martha Stewart as he gets set to spend the better part of two years in the "Gray Bar Motel." Interestingly, Mr. Burress announced the new member of his entourage earlier this week. I suppose lessons on how to pick up soap, what food to skip, and how to bribe prison guards has its value for a rookie in the system.
I believe Mr. Burress should have hired these other consultants previously. Such an employment decision would have dashed the need to hire a prison expert:
1. Common Sense consultant: When all else fails, lessons on how to choose between Good Idea and Bad Idea would have been worth its weight in gold.
2. Firearms consultant: Any gun guru would have taught Mr. Burress that the safety is always on and how to holster a gun so it doesn't slip down a pant leg.
3. Distraction consultant: Obviously, Mr. Burress believed there was nothing in his home that could keep him distracted. A pro could have negated the absolute boredom seeping through his body.
4. Workout consultant: He needs to be physically fit. And while Mr. Burress is in outstanding shape, to quote another ex-Giant, they could have "worked him like a dog." Until worn out, he collapsed unable to venture out. Now, plenty of bending and picking up garbage on the roadside to burn off that nervous energy.
5. Travel consultant: Spare time can always be burnt off with a trip to the Berkshires. A short flight to Canton to inspire.
6. Image consultant: Charitable work would have been a nice distraction. Becoming a prime example of what to do not what to not do. Think "Big Brother" Mr. Burress.
7. Book consultant: Sometimes known as an editor or agent. Devoting time to getting his incredible life down in words and pictures would have resulted in time well spent and likely more cash in the bank. (All right, well he could have written a sequel. Or wait, maybe that is his devious plan in the big house...)
8. Maturity consultant: Enough said.
9. Private security: Now, I know this might be costly and sometimes difficult to find the right person. What's that? The NFL provides this for every player upon request?
10. Brain consultant: When all else fails, he could have punted and offered himself up as the first brain transplant candidate.
